At our wedding reception, we placed blank notes at all the tables so that guests could write down advice, Bible verses, etc. and then put them in a first anniversary "time capsule". We weren't sure how many cards were collected, but when we opened the box last weekend on our one-year anniversary, there were so many, and so much wisdom and happy thoughts.

And then there were the references to having kids.

We laughed them off {no hard feelings toward anyone who wrote those children are a gift from the Lord verses or other hints, of course; it has been a whole year}, but no matter how light-hearted a spirit in which I'm sure every card was written and granted we're both from larger-than-average families, I found myself with a deep down feeling of being presumed upon somehow. While nobody has asked us outright "when are you going to have kids?", even just the thought of people wondering and eventually asking is a bit unsettling.

For the time being, we're perfectly content with being married, just the two of us. Not that we don't want children, but honestly neither one of us, me particularly, is ready to have kids.

But then there's the "oh, but you're never really 'ready'" response that I'm sure we'll hear, too, and that's maybe even more unsettling.

I'm not worried about it, because I trust God's timing and plan for us and know He will provide all we need if He wants us to have a family, but now that I'm married, the question goes through my head more than it used to: if you're "never 'ready'," how do you know when you're "as ready as you'll ever be"?

When you have a true career job for a few years?

When you learn some homemaking skills like sewing?

When you plan out meals for more than one week straight?

When you actually start clothes shopping in women's?

When do you really "grow up" and feel like a woman? 

Because right now I still find that being a "married adult" feels completely foreign sometimes and I don't feel old or mature enough to have that status, let alone the status of "mother".

And I still struggle with a critical heart and cynicism and trying to tame the tongue more often than I'd like to admit, despite recognizing and working on this for years.

And I know I'm more silly than serious most of the time and still sometimes get into slap-happy moods and find it completely amusing to take goofy pictures with Photo Booth.

Because right now it still feels like a big accomplishment when I shave without cutting myself. And that seems a far cry from being capable of growing a child inside you for nine months and giving it life and knowing constant full responsibility looms ahead of you for the next eighteen years at least and not being scared to death.

. . . So, since you asked, right now we're not in any hurry to have kids.

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