Process

I have felt this feeling of disconnect between head and heart before. I don't like feeling it again . . . I don't like stumbling over the same loose brick. It was there before. Will I never remember?

Unknowns.

Will they always trip me up?

God has been teaching me so much about how big He is, that He always provides, and that His plan is perfect and I can trust Him . . . so many thoughts and journals and conversations. Yet, here again hiss uncertainties, no matter how relatively small compared to my all-powerful, all-knowing, infinite God, and here again creeps doubt.

It is a small issue of class schedules, of never being informed of a program distinction that would have allowed me to register for online courses rather than be put on wait lists, and of only getting into one class the week the registration office started calling students on the wait lists. It is a small issue of being so frustrated realizing I could do nothing to change the situation, though if I could have, things would be completely different. It is a small issue of getting increasingly stressed thinking about not getting into any of the other three classes I'm on wait lists for this spring (read, "not finish my degree in four years").

Why not remember that God led me to this degree, and He's got this?

Why not trust that however the situation works out is part of the bigger plan, knowing God's will is better than my own?

I want to trust. I don't always get how. I prayed a lot about it all last week. I know God is in control, but I was stumbling nonetheless . . . a kind of non-victorious half trust, half worry stumbling.

Then I talked with someone this weekend, and somehow there was a lot more comfort and calm than I expected in hearing "I'm praying for you". Somehow there was something in that simple statement, and the knowledge that they weren't empty words, that bridged the gap between my head and my heart. The situation was still the same, but I felt that I didn't need to keep stumbling for whatever reason I previously couldn't not. Somehow there was an ability to trust that I didn't feel I had before. {Don't ever underestimate the significance of not only praying for someone, but also letting them know that you are.} I don't know what exactly clicked in my mind, but I am thankful. There is peace in knowing someone else is really praying, and knowing that Someone is really hearing and has been all along.

I'm trusting God to work in this situation as He wills. Yes, it might be differently than what I think should happen, but He keeps proving to me (over and over, because I am forgetful) that His plan is best. So I'm re-surrendering my future, handing over the rest of my college education and everything that seems at this point to hinge on it. I'm trusting that, even if it might seem to me in my limited understanding that He says "no" to what I pray for, God sometimes answers prayer with "no . . . I've got a bigger plan".

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