It's such a silly, little word: but.

But (there it is) its use is more profound than we ever think about.

I have been discouraged lately. True story. I have unanswered questions, uncertainties, and doubts about kind of important issues, and even though I trust God with my future, it's not easy living right now in what feels like the dark.

I'm trying to not succumb to waiting around, listlessly saying, "whatever will be will be" (will being God's). I'm trying to figure it out. And maybe that's what's becoming more frustrating than anything: feeling as if, no matter how hard I try, I'll never figure it out. What really interests me? What makes me happy? What job would be enjoyable? Or even, not unenjoyable? It seems the more I brainstorm, Google, and discuss, the less certain I am about anything, . . . even things I thought interested me.


This week, somehow, for some reason, I have had some epiphanies (maybe?) while doing my devotions.

One, I've gotten a pretty distinct realization that I don't really want a job that involves deadlines or any sort of coming up with something creative or eye-catching for a client type work (as in, reporting or graphic design); instead, I think I'd rather have a job that involves using skills to perform similar tasks, for the most part, every day. And that latter half led me to think of jobs like receptionist, and then that related to . . .

Two, the medical field has once again crossed my mind. I could be receptionist, or work in medical records, billing, etc. I do have experience. But is that "settling" because those are not necessarily jobs that require specific education? Hmm . . .

Three, God really does know; He really cares. And He cares that I know He knows. This weekend is fall break at SAU, and for a month the plan has been that I would go home. My Grandma Crittenden and mom are coming down tomorrow so Gram can see campus and my dorm and take us out to lunch, and then I'm going home with them. I really am feeling like I need to visit home and . . . guess what? It's fall break. God cares. And (this is a subpoint) He really encouraged me yesterday morning: I ended up being a bit rushed in my devotions (not good), so I only had time to read one Psalm (good).
How lovely is Your tabernacle,
O LORD of hosts!
My soul longs, yes, even faints
For the courts of the LORD
My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God
Even the sparrow has found a home
And the swallow a nest for herself,
Where she may lay her young--
Even Your altars, O LORD of hosts,
My King and My God.
Blessed are those who dwell in Your house;
They will still be praising You. Selah
Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
Whose heart is set on a pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca ("weeping"),
They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
Each one appears before God in Zion.
O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer;
Give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah
O God, behold our shield,
And look upon the face of Your anointed.
For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.

O LORD of hosts,
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!
~ Psalm 84 (parenthetical definition mine)
I'm not advocating skimping on your devotions, but God gave me encouragement through the one passage I read yesterday, and I am thankful for that.

God knows. This maze called life is God's maze, . . . and I'm the first grader trying to weave my way through without drawing outside the lines. :) But God knows the way.

I'm just trying to figure it out.

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