Frustration (etc.)

This past Thursday I met with my advisor to discuss changing my major and all the implications. I left that meeting feeling more frustrated than I'd been in awhile.
  1. I hate that my advisor thinks I'm as uncertain about the Professional Writing major as I was the Vis. Com. major, and I hate getting the impression "if you knew what you wanted to do post-grad, you wouldn't be second-guessing yourself."
  2. I am frustrated with the implication that a career ought to determine my degree, as in I wouldn't be second-guessing myself if "I want to be an editor," or some such specific.
  3. I am frustrated that it seems so significant to have a career goal (even in this world where, as we well know, jobs are few and the specific job determining your degree is "fewer"), when isn't it perfectly logical to pursue a degree in something you're interested in? Wow. Profound.
  4. I hate the fact that the independent study class I'm starting (in order to stay at full-time this semester) is going to be something "along the lines of 'occupational direction'," per my advisor.
  5. I hate the fact that he seems to feel responsible for guaranteeing that I have an "occupational direction".
What if I don't want a career? What if the fact that I don't have a dream job or "occupational direction" isn't really that big of a deal? What if I am realizing that I'm perfectly fine with not setting my sights on some professional career and perfectly fine with having a different answer than most people to the question, "What are you going to do after college?" What if the reason I don't see myself doing something career-wise is because I really just want to be a wife and a mom?

I feel myself reacting to the above frustrations in defensiveness, like I somehow need to rise to the occasion and not let people shove me into some mold with everyone else, no matter how well-meaning those people are (and I don't mean to sound as if my advisor is not, because I believe he is . . . he's at Spring Arbor, for pete's sake). But then again, maybe the frustration (and reaction) is all part of God's big ideas; maybe this is what it's come to for me to realize I don't need to have an occupational direction (I just love how ridiculous that sounds, having said it so many times) to choose a degree, or focus academically, or fit in socially . . . maybe God is just really trying to get my attention so He can calm and relieve the tension I've felt for so long in not having an answer to what I planned to do after college.

Can I start to trust Him even more with my whole life, including post-grad (especially seeing as how that's the majority of it)?

Will I use this defensive resolve to not feel inferior (or whatever it is) though I have never aspired to some lofty professional career, but rather feel confident that my life is significant and guided by my Creator God?

Yep. I think so.

So here's to resolve. My choice of degree is based upon my interests. My future job is both in the future and a job, only a job . . . not a life or death situation or anything. But, like I've said before, whatever my occupation turns out to be, my preoccupation is glorifying God. And, as my Pastor so wisely says, when you don't know what to do, start by doing what you know to do (yes: glorifying God!).

Here's a mini tangent . . .

I have changed my major to Professional Writing. I have withdrawn from the two art classes I was in, but the three Comm. classes I had are also requirements for the P.W. degree, and so that is excellent. The only new class will be the independent study, however that works out (I am meeting my advisor again on Tuesday to nail down specifics. Pray for me.), which will keep me at thirteen credits this semester. As far as the big picture, I've been trying to figure out how to fit in all seventy-one credits standing between myself and a Bachelor's in two years, because I really would prefer not having to enroll an extra semester. Because of the limited class offerings at SAU, I've emailed a few people at MCC to discuss independent study this summer, so that I could take an equivalent class or two and transfer the credits back to Spring Arbor. Depending on the response from MCC, I am also looking into other community colleges for possible online summer classes.

I am trying to be proactive in this, but at the same time not let it (school) consume my thoughts and energy completely, because, let me tell you, it can. IT is hectic, and these last few weeks have been very much so. Maybe that's why it feels like I've been on campus for so much longer . . .

And I have been enjoying so much my weekend at home! On Friday afternoon, I drove up with my grandparents who came to celebrate my youngest sister's twelfth birthday. (Time flies.) It has been wonderful being home. My Mom made spaghetti con carne (that's spaghetti sauce with meat, for those of you with limited vocabularies) for supper last night, and it was delicious. Then I sat in the living room: my little sister and I figured out a bonus question on her math homework; I helped my brother with his geometry; I discussed with my other little brother the issues of (1) welfare for "the blind and disabled," whom the World Book 2000 mentioned as the primary recipients (we disagreed), (2) distinguishing between people who were born blind or born with disabilities versus those who became blind or disabled at some point later in life, and (3) whether we would prefer being born blind or losing our sight later in life. This morning my Dad made (real, not processed/packaged/or whatever the cafeteria serves) scrambled eggs and cinnamon rolls, and then my Mom and I talked for a little while. I did my laundry, and then made banana bread, which was a disaster, not because of my lack of cooking finesse, but because the bread did not cook all the way through until it had been in the oven for about forty minutes longer than the recipe specified. I played the piano (big sigh of contentment). I visited my Grandma C. This evening some of my siblings and I sat around reading the Quote Books - six (so far) mini notebooks that my sister has filled with funny, ridiculous, and highly amusing Crittenden family quotes. A lot of laughter results from the QB. :)

I am going to church with the family tomorrow morning, and I am looking forward to it so much. But at the same time I don't want tomorrow to come, because that means I have to leave. I don't want to go back to SAU. I know I'm supposed to love college life, or at least that's what everyone says (you know: "It was the best times of my life"), but so far I don't at all. I think a lot of it has to do with how hectic and stressful the first couple weeks have been, with all the complications, if you will, of changing my major. So I'm hoping and praying that things will work out, and I trust they will . . . eventually. And also that everything will start feeling more familiar and that I won't be so mad at "college life" for stealing me away from "life" that I won't give college life a fair chance. One thing I will say: I have an amazing roommate. Oh, and another thing: chapel is great. And this: my dorm room is actually super cute and fun. And that: I've met and been spending a lot of time with two other transfer students who live in my dormitory (isn't that an archaic word?!). So, I hope you don't think it's completely horrible being at Spring Arbor; it's actually a pretty neat place. It's just not home.

I cannot believe how long this post is. It has definitely evolved (I hope you're not thinking, "You mean 'devolved'?") along more than one rabbit trail :).

Thank you for reading. God bless!

No comments :

Post a Comment